Duo and His Attacker
by Nova Una
Summary: Slight Shounen ai. Little Language. Duo is stuck in a safe house all by himself. There is nothing to do but watch tv. When he hears an unfamiliar noise and investigates he gets more than he bargains for.


Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not owned by me! If it was I wouldn't be creating FANfics. duh! I can't be sued because I have nothing to be sued for. You can't banish me from writing, because I'll keep on writing I just won't post it. Anyway! Gundam Wing belongs to those lovely people who created it as well as the characters. So now the boring crap is done with lets move on with the story!  
  
  
  
"......." spoken  
  
  
'.......' thoughts  
  
  
  
Ok boys and girls the story for today is Duo and His Attacker. *big huge fake smile* Now lets begin!  
  
  
Duo and His Attacker  
  
  
It was a long and boring day for Duo. No Heero. No Gundam Pilots. No cable.  
  
"Ahh! I can't take this any more! There has to be something I can do!" Duo yelled to his imaginery friend.  
  
So Duo tried his best to occupy himself. He went to fix his gundam which only took about an hour. When that was done he decided to clean the inside of Deathscythe. That took two and a half hours to do. Duo is not a tidy person. When the job was accomplished he realized something that he hadn't before. He hated cleaning.  
  
"I don't know what's more boring! Having nothing to do or cleaning! God! I'm bored again! HEE-CHA~~N! You need to be here to keep me out of trouble!" Duo smirks. "Like he could stop me. He'd probably join me."  
  
After two hours past, Duo began to become antsy. He just had to find something to do. He tried reading various books, but none grasped his attention long enough. So he dashed to his laptop. He sat infront of it on his knees trying to will more missions to him.  
  
"Come on missions! Come to me! Come! Come to me! C'mon G! Send me missions," Duo said as he bowed various times. "C'mon ya crazy mushroom head! Send me some damn missions!"  
  
Just then Duo got a message from G.   
  
*Pilot 02 you have been working exceptionally hard lately and I've discussed it with other doctors. We have agreed to let you rest for about a week so you can keep up the rapid productivity you have been displaying recently.*  
  
Duo was not happy.  
  
"Rapid productivity?! WHAT?! A week? A whole week? Since when do they care about me? I don't want a week off! Those stupid doctors are against me," Duo growls. "THIS IS SO NOT FAIR!"  
  
He yelled and complained about the doctors being against him as he walked into the kitchen. Food was the only thing that'll calm his nerves. He grabbed chips, dip, cookies and other various junk food as well as his favorite drink. Root beer. He decided that just because there was no cable doesn't mean he couldn't watch tv at all.  
  
"Lets see if there's anything on besides news! I may be a gundam pilot but I'm still a teenager. I need some kind of entertainment."  
  
Duo flipped through the channels. Then he flipped through them some more. After passing each channel for the hundredth time, hoping to find something to watch, he decided to watch the news instead of weird cooking shows. There was nothing that surprised him really. It was all about the war. After laughing at some of the wrong information the news reporter was giving, he changed the channel. More news. Duo groaned. How he hated the news. Yet this time it was more interesting. It was about a man who thought his food was trying to kill him. He said his food talked to him, walked to him, grabbed and kidnapped him. The man was now locked away in a asylum.  
  
"Killer food? Man, there are some psychos in this world," Duo said. Then a roach crawled on him. "Ahhh~~h! killer roach! Get off me! Get off me!" Duo was now jumping and running around the room with his gun in his hand ready to shoot the roach.  
  
After twenty minutes Duo finally calmed down. He sat back on the couch after he checked it thoroughly. He carefully checked his food also.  
  
"Stupid roach," he grumbled. "Trying to get my food!"  
  
Duo got as comfortable as he could. Making sure his drink and other food was in reach, he gave in and watched the weird cooking shows. The delicacy for today's show was, roaches. Watching cooking shows for hours and consuming tons of food began to take its toll on Duo. He began nodding off. Soon he was in his own little dream world. He was dreaming about whips, chains, and Heero when a loud noise woke him up. At first he thought his snoring might have disturbed his dreams but when he heard the noise again he quickly grabbed his gun.   
  
He began searching through the safe house, being as cautious as possible. Duo was starting to believe it was the tv that was making the noise and that he was jumping to conclusions when he sensed someone was behind him. He whirled around to face his potential attacker only to be knocked out onto the floor dropping his gun before he could see him. The last thought that went through Duo's mind was , 'Oh shit!'  
  
Duo woke up to the smell of something burning. Through his fuzzy and hazey mind he deducted that what was burning was wood. He then realized that his mind wasn't fuzzy and hazey at all. He was dizzy. Why was he dizzy? He opened his eyes to come face to face with a flame. When started to scream, he stopped wondering why he sounded so muffled. It came to Duo like a snail crawling to a tree that he was gagged. He wiggled his tongue around trying to figure out what he was gagged with. It was his hair. Heero would have a fit. It only took him a second to realize the whole situation. He was gagged and tied to a wooden rotisserie, one that you would usually see on cartoons, and he was in deep shit.  
  
'Great! I got caught by a Cannibal! Just my luck. Well, atleast I'm not bored anymore.'  
  
He began thinking of ways to escape and wishing he was more like Bugs Bunny when he heard a high pitched annoying voice. At first he thought it was the Pink Barbie Demon taking her revenge but it didn't really sound like her. Her voice was more annoying. He tried to see where the voice came from but he was turning so he could be slowly roasted at the moment and couldn't really see.  
  
"I've finally caught you Shinigami. I'm gonna make you pay for the lives of all my friends and family you've taken!" The voice started laughing insanely before it started choking.  
  
'Make me pay?! Who are you? If you related those soldiers I killed in battles, I'm really sorry! It's a war damn it! I don't like it either!' Duo was testing his telepathic powers only to fail.  
  
Suddenly Duo stopped turning and was now roasting on one side. He greatly appreciated the fact he was gagged with his braid. Otherwise his hair would have caught fire. He looked around hoping to see his attacker. He didn't see him. Duo's left side was starting to get a bit to warm when he saw something move. He looked down and came face to face with his attacker. Duo couldn't believe his eyes.  
  
" OH MY GOD! I GOT KIDNAPPED BY AN APPLE?!" Duo's scream of disbelief was muffled due to his braid.  
  
Yes it was true. Right before Duo was a nice red apple.  
  
"You've GOT to be KIDDING ME! AN APPLE?!"  
  
Yes an apple.  
  
"I've got to be dreaming! An apple?! OH MY GOD! HOW HUMILATING!"  
  
The apple starts to laugh. Duo didn't find this funny at all. He wished he could get free and take a huge bite out of the evil apple. That'll teach him not to mess with Shinigami.  
  
"Do you know how many of my people you've killed with that ravenous appetite of yours?"   
  
Duo began to look thoughtful.  
  
"TOO MANY YOU TWIT! I'm not the only one that agrees either!"  
  
At that time Duo began turning only to stop on his right side. He noted that his left side felt like it was on fire. It was.  
  
"Ahh~h! My entree! Its on fire! Put him out! Put him out!"  
  
"Nani?! Entree? I, the God Of Death, am not an entree!"   
  
Luckily for Duo the apple didn't hear that and continued to kill the flames that was trying to eat Duo's arm. When everything settled the apple once again made an introduction for his followers to come out. They came. Hundreds of them. Oranges, pears, carrots, chips, cookies, cakes, slices of bread, eggplant, and other various types of food came pouring out of nowhere. Under normal circumstances, Duo would be happy to be blessed with such feast, but these bastards were trying to eat him! They all had weapons made out of toothpicks and old beat-up silverware. Duo began praying that Heero would find him missing, come look for him, find him and set him free so he could indulge in that lovely chocolate cake that was holding a "beam cannon" made of toothpicks.  
  
"Wait! I never ate eggplant," Duo pointed out. "I don't even know what it tastes like!"  
  
"Yes you have," pointed out the Apple leader. "When you were a few months old. You're mother gave it to you in your baby food. I'm quite surprised that you would lie."  
  
"I do not lie! I was a few months old! How the heck can I remember that far back in my life?"  
  
"Excuses! Excuses! We're gonna have to punish you Duo," said the apple king in a patronizing way.  
  
Duo began to turn again. He couldn't figure out what food can do to punish him. It's just not done or is it possible. As he was reaching his left side he saw the eggplant and other small vegetables starting to form a group. As he made the trip again he saw the eggplant being surronded by the small vegetables. Duo wanted to know what the hell was going on here. When he made the trip again a spotlight was on the eggplant who was holding a microphone.   
  
'Well this shouldn't be to bad. I can handle off key singing.'  
  
The eggplant started to sing.  
  
"I love you,"  
  
"Oh HELL no!"  
  
"You love me,"  
  
"Shut up!!!"   
  
"We're a happy family,"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
Duo started try harder to get loose. He could stand anything but Barney. This was Barney. The apple forgot one thing to do when he kidnapped Duo, to make sure that the legs of the rotisserie could support Duo's weight. With Duo struggling, no one heard the cracking of wood until it broke, both of them, sending Duo rolling towards the eggplant. The eggplant didn't have time to move before he got squished under Duo's weight. The apple was furious. Mr. Eggplant was his best friend.  
  
"Don't let him get away! Attack!"  
  
Duo tried to roll away but the gang of food attacked him. They were jumping on him, biting him, and stabbing him with their toothpick weapons.   
  
"This is a nightmare," exclaimed Duo when a cookie stabbed him in the ass. "I'm being attacked by food that I can't eat!"  
  
"This is not a nightmare nor a dream Duo! You can't WAKE UP from this Duo," chuckled the apple. "You shall never WAKE UP Duo! Its not possible for you to WAKE UP from this Duo. This is real so don't try to WAKE UP Duo. Duo...DUO!"  
  
Duo woke up to the sound of Heero's voice. His head collided with the almighty spandex one when he jumped up yelling he was stabbed in the ass. It was only crumbs. He blinked in surprised as he looked at Heero who was holding his head to keep it from falling off and rolling away. Well, thats what it looked like.  
  
"It was only a dream," Duo whispered as he looked at the tv.  
  
Somehow, the cooking shows changed into the news and the current topic was the man and the killer food. Duo started to laugh when it hit him like a brick hits a window. Heero was there.  
  
"Ahh! Hee-chan!" Duo jumped up and tackled Heero to the floor hugging him. If Heero wasn't encased in ice a grin would have cracked his face open. After a few moments of kissing and groping, Duo went to the kitchen to get some food. The first thing he saw was a nice red apple. Without thinking, Duo grabbed the apple and took a bite out of it. He started choking. Luckily for him Heero walked in. Duo couldn't believe he was gonna die by choking on an apple! Heero went to save his beloved Duo after muttering something about baka, by performing the heimlich maneuver. On the third thrust in the abdominal area the piece of apple came flying out. It bounced off walls and kitchen appliances before it came hurdling back at Duo, hitting him in the eye.  
  
"Ow!! Fucking apple!"  
  
Duo could hear the voice of the apple laughing as it was rolling on the table. Heero was about to ask what was going on when the lights went out. Maybe there is a such of thing as killer food.


End file.
